Watching the documentary, Daisy Maskell, "Insomnia and Me" I felt anxious. As she described the things that made her unable to sleep and she stared out at a swing in her garden, I got it. I had that same feeling she described as she looked out of her window. She poignantly decribed it as an "inability to switch off".
Of course it's not just a swing blowing in the wind. It prompts so much more thought. As you lie in bed at night determined to get a good nights sleep, your mind fixes on the swing from earlier that day and has other ideas about you sleeping. It wants to know more.
Why is it swinging? Is it just the wind? What's causing that wind? The weather? Weather forcaster. Forcasting. The future. My mate Dan. A-Level results day. A Mini car. The same can my daughter wants. Her school. Did we pick the right school for her? Should we move school? Move house? Our gardens good though. Must fix the shed roof. Apex roof? No. Slope it towards the front. Collect more rainwater that way.......
And on it goes. And on. And on.
All from one swing.
On nights like this, I go to bed at the same time, having followed the same routine as the day before when I drifted off in 10 short minutes. No caffine. Exercise. No phones after 9pm. All the things I can think to help me sleep I'd done the day before and today.
But tonight.... my mind can't rest. It generally follows a period of stress somewhere in the day, or preceeding days. That stress brings anxiety about needing to cope. Needing to feel like you are on top of things.
And what I've come to realise is that, for me, it's mainly about control. . Having had a stressfull, or sometimes just busy day. My mind.... or more accurately..... I .... want to play thorough tomorrow's scenarios so that what ever I'm confronted by I'll be prepared. In control.
As a computer nerd, this logical thinking makes sense. However, what I'm coming to realise is that all this planning and thinking is counter productive. The time spent determining all tomorrow's potential outcomes leaves me so exhausted that the following day I'm unable, or unwilling to overcome the simplest of challenges.
I appreciate there is of course a delicious irony to all this, yet still my mind won't listen to reason.
Right now, my current strategy is to remember this irony as I lie in bed struggling to sleep. And while it does help, it is no miracle cure. What will help more is probably worrying less about tomorrow. But that is a much bigger challenge.